YouHub: The Future

When most people think of the future they think of hover boards and flying cars. In the 60s, TV’s favourite futuristic family The Jetsons had predicted a sky full of cities and robotic maids by the year 2062. Star Wars has lightspeed travel and blue milk while Netflix’s Black Mirror has all sorts of terrifying yet completely plausible futuristic ideas like a life governed and judged entirely off your own social media profile. But when I think of the future, I think of a space restricted of one’s own voice. I’m not starting a PC argument, to be honest this really has little to do with being politically correct. In the past year many of the world’s best content creators have been faced with demonetarisation by the world’s biggest content platform: YouTube. There’s a bunch of stats and policies YouTube have thrown out since they cracked down on the content they are hosting, if numbers and compliance are your thing then check that out. Many creators have turned to third party schemes like Patreon where their diehard fans can pledge money so the creators can keep on creating that sweet, sweet content since YouTube has dialled back the never-ending money tap. To be honest, if this YouTube thing I’m starting is going to kick off, I can see myself turning down the same route because I say shit, fuck and cunt a bit too much for public liking. Sorry everyone. But what if there was a platform that could host all content? A platform that was free of bias with a strong community of loyal commenters, as well as infrastructure to host and deliver millions of videos. A platform like PornHub.

Imagine a future, and I’ll go on the record and predict by 2028, where Logan Paul vlogs are nestled nicely next to an amateur couple shooting some pretty high-quality snuff? A space where video game reviews have suggested videos like Overwatch Porn Parody. Or where TED talks are featured in the same playlists as Naughty Teacher Stays Back Late After Class. I made that title up but I’m sure that’s a real video.

But if we were to talk seriously for a minute, and think about the logistics of this content eutopia, it wouldn’t really be that bad. PornHub is the largest distributor of ‘free’ porn online, with a paid subscription-based model for ‘quality’ bang for your buck. And every person who’s taken advantage of the once a year free premium day will attest that it’s significantly better content hidden away behind a price point. But that’s neither here nor there, the point is that there’s already infrastructure in place for content creators to use the same formula of selling content that they do on Patreon. The bonus here is that it’s all on the same platform. A platform that consistently delivers videos to your screen with no hassle, just like YouTube.

As reported in 2017, PornHub hosted 28.5 billion visitors last year, which turns out to be an average of 81 million people per day. 3,732 Petabytes of data was transferred, whatever the fuck that means, while there were 4,052,543 videos uploaded. That’s a shit load of videos. More specifically, a shit load of porn. And I can guarantee that that number will be significantly higher at the end of 2018 as PornHub seems to be really promoting and supporting it’s own community. Obviously, these are rookie numbers in comparison to YouTube, who has already reported that there is roughly 300 hours of video uploaded every day, with almost 5 billion videos watched daily. But you can upload a cat staring at you while you eat your cereal and that counts towards this statistic.

And yes, I understand that there’s a legal age for these platforms. It’s 18 years or older in Australia, but I’d like to see the stats on the amount of fake accounts created by hormone driven teenagers. But I riddle you with this, YouTube has demonetised many videos because they are too ‘inappropriate’ for their age-friendly platform. So wouldn’t those videos feel right at home on a platform restricted for adults? Another point that many middle-aged parents and the middle class white Christian families of the world will try to palm off is that porn, and sex itself, is not a taboo topic in the world anymore. But I understand talking about sex and watching explicit sex are two completely different things.

It’s just a matter of time before content creators start jumping ship like in that scene from Pirates of the Caribbean where to two ships circle the whirlpool in the ocean. Where YouTube was once the glistening sails of the Black Pearl, the fastest ship on the ocean; an unstoppable force that was no stranger to a bit of mischief here and there. While PornHub is the vile, slimy and dangerous Flying Dutchman; the villain of the story until we realise at the end of the movie that there’s a heart and humanity to the treachery. The internet’s content creators will need to make a leap of faith in the not too distant future, I bet my bottom dollar on it. Do they stay on the ship that once provided shelter and security, but has been seen with a couple of holes below deck. Or do they jump over to the dangerous side of the internet that sees more and more of the spotlight as time progresses but is also cluttered with dicks and balls?

It’s either that or we all start using Vimeo. And who the fuck wants to do that?

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